Caitlin McCann is a multidisciplinary artist and writer.


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Georgia O’Keefe, New York, June 1936 by Carl Van Vechten

Hindsight

During past summers, I longed for July to last forever. I lived for hot nights. I’ve dreaded the days where it gets noticeably darker earlier but this year I don’t think I’ll mind. This summer is no summer of mine and time’s footprints are an unexpected comfort.

Since arriving in LA, my life has been unrecognisably chaotic in a not fun way. There are days when I can laugh at the absurdity of challenges I’m facing at once and days when all I can do is cry. Times between big cries and big laughs are calm, numb, and blissful.

Emma and I talked on the phone for 2 hours yesterday. We discussed feeling less nostalgic these days. I don’t believe it’s because we’re getting older but I think it’s a contributing factor. Having hindsight probably has something to do with it. Having lived long enough to recognise which patterns aren’t cute anymore.

Too many times I’ve given passes to people who have been given passes all their lives, usually men. Too many passes and I give them one more. And one more after that because I want to give people the benefit of the doubt but I also don’t want to be wrong about them.

Since arriving in LA, I’ve been confronted by the harsh reality that life is not a movie.
222 words #1
August 2023